Thursday, August 31, 2006

Seeing Bobby Brown

(image via kingsize)

Bill Maher's ex, "Superhead" may be responsible for Bobby Brown's breakup with Whitney Houston. Accoridng to our favorite superhero gossip duo Rush and Molloy:

"Whitney Houston appears to have rid herself of hubby Bobby Brown. Whether he gets back into the house may depend on hip-hop temptress Karrine Steffans.
Houston's friends have long blamed Brown for her woefully heavy eyelids. So they're praying she has the strength to change the locks.

"Good thing, then, that he's been distracted by Karrine. You remember Karrine. Back when she was, as she puts it, 'a coke whore,' hip-hop playas called her Superhead. But then she sobered up and wrote a best seller, 'Confessions of a Video Vixen,' recounting the bedroom (and backseat) quirks of Usher, Diddy, Vin Diesel, Shaquille O'Neal and Ja Rule, among others.

"She also wrote about Bobby - their bizarre 2002 encounter when 'he told me he was a member of Al Qaeda and that President Bush was looking for him.'"

How interesting that Bobby fancies himself Al Queda and not -- more accurately -- Al Crackhead. How many odd linkages between Bobby Brown and Osama-bin-Laden?

Yes, it's a slow week ..

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...


P-Diddy, which, roughly translated from the Attic Greek, means, "Jackass with the gaping maw." (image via gawker)

Husky former State Department official and Powell confidante Richrd Armitage yesterday admitted that Yes, he inadvertently outed Valerie Plame and Yes, he could conceievably devour an entire Entemann's poundcake in a single sitting. (image via suededasein)

Creepy Team Anniston relief pitcher Vince Vaughn heads back into the dugout. (image via justjared)">justjared)
Fellini's Satyricon

Fellini's Satyricon is my second favorite film of all time (Bergman's lyrical, membrane-red Cries and Whispers is my fave). It is such an astonishingly strange film with disturbing undertones with the rather freakishly Felliniesque innovation of adding film extras staring, creepily, beyond the camera and directly at the film viewer. *The Corsair shudders* Fellini imagined late Rome, scorching in its excesses after the genre of science fiction. Taking the fragments of Petronius Arbiter's ancient Menippean satire -- fragmented -- he inserted his futuristic vibe, scored by Nino Rota with arresting sound effects. We cannot fail to note that no two Roman Maestro's are better suited to engage one another than Petronius Arbiter, Emperor Nero's Master of Ceremonies, and the otherworldish Frederico Fellini.

Fellini was a deep believer in Jungian dream analysis and incorporated some of his own eerie dreams in the movie (the dark grotto of a landscape, into which we are led deeper and deeper, in the above clip is decidedly Fellini).

The story begins in the middle of the scurrilous philosopher Agamemnon's rant about the alarming state of Education of the youths of his Age and ends, densely, in the coils of The Labyrinthe of Knossos in combat with The Minotaur. It is a film scattered with all the great myths from The West's remote antiquity including Niceros' Tale -- the first recorded werewolf story -- and we heartily recommend it this goddam film with all our strength.
You're In the Hot Burning Center of the Galaxy ..

Bring back "Fame" TVLand ...

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Marky Snark

(image via lineone)

The secret of muttonheaded Mark Wahlberg's confounding success involves the equation of Ordinary Guy thrust into the celestial heights of celebrity (for further reference see: RockStar, Entourage, and, in theaters presently, Invincible). How does Ordinary Joe manage? Does he blow off his old working class pals for the nubile and the mogul? For half a decade these questions have rattled around inside Wahlberg's obnoxiously empty noggin.

In essence, Wahlberg has crafted an impressive career improvising on the familiar rif of his own life. How marvelously ... organic (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment), n'est-ce pas?

In the beginning was "Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (Averted Gaze)." They were, in fine, Entourage 1.0, the template for Leonardo DiCaprio's legendary "Pussy Posse," only a hundred IQ points stupider. Of untaxed brow, musky scent, and unclad chests this "Funky Bunch" cluttered the media landscape with their monosyllabic grunts and relentless Chimpanzee posturing. And who can forget Wahlberg, underwear model (Averted Gaze). En route to the path of movie stardom he was, essentially, the masculkine analog of a "juicy bitch"; he used his washboard abs much as a starlet might use her plump decolletage. Didn't Brooke Shields -- newly deflowered by Dean Caine -- once depants him (Or was that a dream)?

And so we congratulate Marky Mark on "Invincible," the number one movie in the land, as we cannot fail to note his primordial origins as a slab of beef. Plus ca change, plus la meme chose.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Robert Novak: "The Time Has Way Passed For My Source To Identify Himself"


(image via

When the Prince of Darkness Robert Novak slithers out of his moist cave in the Elysian Fields at the End of the World, his gnarled finger -- bejewelled with lapiz-lazuli -- wagging, you know, you just know, the serious shit is about to hit the proverbial fan (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment).

Novak made an appearance on the jocular Tim Russert's "Meet The Press." His cloven hoofs created sparks on the floors at the NBCNews Washington bureau; he emitted a sickly-sweet odor of an evil forged in remote entiquity. He did not do so because they have the best green-room brunch spread (Stephanopoulos' spread is pathetic by comparison) . He means business, the Prince of Darkness does.

When asked if the reports that Richard Armitage was the leaker in the Plame scandal (as Newsweek's Isikoff hints), he refused to answer -- as he has consistently done -- on the grounds that he never real sources until they identify themselves (Or else where would he be?). However, he dropped down an octave, arched his eyebrow and said, with the solemnity that only a True Lion of Lucifer could muster thet: "The Time Has Way Passed For My Source To Identify Himself."

Stay tuned.
The Corsair's Emmy Thoughts


Wouldn't a tasteful, moist catfight between Candy and Tori Spelling over the Spelling millions on live teevee have been the most appropriate tribute to Aaron "Jiggle TV" Spelling?

The gang on "Entourage" were right: Jeremy Piven is passed the expiration date.

Emmy Math: Is the circumference of Warren Beatty's head greater than or equal to the circumference of an overripe pumpkin?

Did anyone else notice Steve Carrell's freakish flop-sweat as the names of the nominees were read for Best Actor in a Comedy series?

We could evangelize from here to next Sunday about the positively fuckiness of Evangeline Lilly. Testify!

Does anyone have Youtube footage of Paula Abdul on the E! aftershow wrap-up? She looked thoroughly fucked up on the sauce, with that far-away cracked look in her reptilian "Hollywood's-Been-So-Hard-On-Me" eyes.

Fucking Barry Manilow and his fucking frosted head of hair -- were those bangs? -- stole Colbert's Emmy. We'd like to Copa=ca-bang him right on his nose.

The Eva Longoria-James Woods presenter combo has left an oily coating on the tv screens of millions of viewers.

Larger than Life Master of the Universe Jerry Bruckheimer -- he of the manly, if Amish-ish beard -- has appealed to his Lord, Satan, to cockblock any reality show other than the unwatchable "Amazing Race" from achieving the Emmy.

Is it jusy us or does Julia Louis-Dreyfus get, like, hotter, with the passage of time? Or is it just the slow but smart accumulation of showbiz power and influence. We are quite confused.

The Excellent Helen Mirren said -- elegantly but not explicitly -- what we all know without actually saying it: Women over 40 have a hard time getting meaty roles in Hollywood. Why else would brilliant actresses like Glenn Close and Kathleen Turner and Mary Louise Parker and CCH Pounder be doing cable TV and not major motion pictures? The balls now in the writers' court. Bravo, Helen Mirren.

Farah Fawcett in her measured farewell to Aaron Spelling almost persuaded us that she was not as crazy as she appeared in the Shatner roast, the bizarre Playboy nude, bullet-nippled body-painting spread, and Joe Eszterhas' book (where -- rememeber -- he has her defecating en plein air). Almost.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Corsair Interviewed by CBS' TheShowbuzz

We'd like to thank the most excellent Judy Farber of CBSNews' The Showbuzz for the interview. The Corsair being faboo:

The Wigger Hall of Fame

The K-Fed fiasco reminded us that not all wiggers are created equal. Some, like Norman Mailer's hyposthetical "White Negro," seemlessly transition themselves into hipness -- for further reference: see, Eminem. Others, unfortunately, are encumbered by the ermine robes of their suburban beginings. Black people just like some white people like crazy. Some Lifetime Achevement Awards are in Order:


(image via eonline)

5- Brett Ratner. We know; we know: Why? The bloated budgets, the bloated face, all work against him, but the hook-up with Serena on the DL and being a protoge of Russell Simmons were mitigating factors. Let's face it: Brett Ratner is black. He probably smokes Newports, although we don't believe for a second that that's what burned down Robert Evans' pad (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment).


(image via kellyanncollins)

4- Christina Aguilera. We know that when the mood was convenient souldiva X-tina was not averse to recording Spanish and really played up the fact that her last name was Aguilera despite, quite frankly, looking a caucasian as Ed Begley, Jr. That having been said, despite her previous Vin Dieselesque indeterminate ethnicity , we now claim her, wholly and fully, as African-American. Have you ever heard her talk, or, for that matter, do a finger snap followed by neck-roll? Yeah, she's a sister all right.

In a past-life we can imagine that Aguilera ran a speak-easy down south. Her name was "Big Momma" and she was sassy, even going so far as to smoke a cigar.

-- Speaking of Cigars. (image via newsday)

3- Bill Clinton. He's probably eating the bannana pudding at Sylvia's in Harlem as we speak. He likes women, sometimes .. too much. He blows a mean horn. Recent heart problems over diet.

As Jay-Z once said: "He could be, like, my uncle." What do you mean could be. Hey Jay-Z, was your auntie in the Arkansas area in the 1960s?


Bill Clinton is so black, he's, like, Sudanese-complected.


4- Carmen Electra. One of these things just doesn't belong, Can you tell which thing is not like the others By the time I finish my song? Prince, B-Real, Dennis Rodman, or Dave Navarro.


(image via

5- Robert Deniro. 2001 Essence Magazine Award winner. He received a standing ovation. Deniro likes his women like he likes his coffee .. and the women like him back.

Honorable Mention:


(image via

John Brown, Abolitionist. Abgriest. Wigger. Ever.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Best of Corsair

Blogger, please! It's August, it's hott, and we, quite frankly, are massively hung over. Some of our greatest hits (we'll be back soon):

Who is Ron Mwangaguhunga?

Why Dick Morris is Obsessed with the Clintons.

Helen Gurley Brown on 90-Year Old Sex

The Day Steve Brill Tried to Eat James Cramer.

On: Superhead

That Gay Ghost

The Corsair Loves the 70s

Sumner Redstone: "There's No Chance of Me Retiring"

A Greezy Jermaine Jackson Petitions for Child Custody.

The Corsair's Remote Control Tour Diary

Media Left Behind

Dear Parker Posey (And no, it was Natasha Lyonne who smoked the Crack)

Little Rudy Huxtable: All Grown Up

Monday, August 21, 2006

Fidel Castro's Spill

We casn't get enough of the fall of a dictator, whether literally or politically:

KFed Flames Out

Why, we ask, did Britney Spears have to chew gum as she introduced her man? We know she's "country," but from whence country -- Freedonia? (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) Onto: KevFed's shitty performance. Who the fuck debuts as a hip-hop star on a"Teen Choice" Award Show. You will cringe.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Eve's African Dictator Chic


(image via divastation)

True, its hard to hold Eve -- who has, we cannot fail to note, poochie scratch marks tattooed on her breasts -- to any conventional standard of taste (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). But one would think she might eschew dating a dictator-in-training. Perhaps? Is there anything more loathesome on this Big Blue Marble than a dictator? Is there anything sexy about palling around on a yacht rented on a Third World nation's siphoned off oil revenues? (Averted Gaze) We think fucking not.

We guess the decidedly amoral Eve is coming around. According to RusandMolloy:

"Rapper Eve is distancing herself from her on-again, off-again boyfriend, the son of an African dictator, even as he came closer to power last week.

"The entire 50-man government of Equatorial Guinea walked out Thursday after pressure from Teodorin Nguema Obiang's father, Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, who's been 'president' since 1979.

"Called one of the most ruthless dictators in the world, President Obiang reportedly siphons off $700 million a year from the oil-rich country's profits.

"Teodorin, the Minister of Forestry, or the 'Minister of Chopping Down Trees,' as some call him, pursued Eve relentlessly until she finally 'gave up' and started going out with him, sources told us."

Ah, the education of a dictator. Excessive Thumos. Primate aggression. Relentlessness. The unquenchable thirst for power. And Eve handed the tyrant yet another victory, cementing his prime directive of conquest or death. Nice.

"The international playboy spent $700,000 at Christmas to rent Paul Allen's yacht to fete her on St. Bart's, tooled around in one of his two Bentleys, and invested $25 million in a rap label, Detroit's TNO Entertainment.

"But the rapper-actress, who gets involved in good causes like promoting HIV testing, probably couldn't help but feel a twinge of conscience being with a spendthrift whose people live on $1 a day. What's more, her friends were jamming her to end it."

Nice to know that when one's individual conscience craps out, one's friends can be there to tell you that no, it is not all right to fuck around with a butcher-in-training.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Janice Dickinson Reeks of Desperation

(image via medialifemagazine)

That Janice Dickinson, who once caught Warren Beatty staring at himself in the mirror post-fuck, is outrageous is a given. We were, however, rather stunned to hear that she was given a slot on Oxygen, which, so far a s we can tell, is sort of Oprah-ish in its feminism. And Janice -- god bless her manic soul -- is not suggestive of Oprah's Angels. She strikes us, oftentimes, as more of a trannie devil. (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)

And so, the ratings are not what they should be. They are McEnroeish. According to Medialifemagazine:

"The first season of 'The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency' is turning out to be a lot like the hype attached to so many young, up-and-coming models: lots of noise, little staying power.

"When it premiered two months ago, 'Agency' drew the best household rating for a premiere in Oxygen history, averaging a 0.61 household rating and a 0.55 among women 18-49, the channel�s target demographic.

"But now, with the season finale airing tonight at 10 p.m., the numbers have quickly dwindled. Over recent weeks, it has hovered around a 0.3 household rating, losing half of its debut audience.

" ... Writes a poster on Television Without Pity�s 'Agency' forum: 'Janice really needs to tone it down. I can't imagine any professional organization putting up with her antics, especially since she reeks of desperation for their business while also behaving like a loon.'"

Frankly, she would do better to dish, like she does in No Lifeguard on Duty which includes sex with Beatty(He's so vain; I bet he thinks this blog is about him):

"I woke up a few hours later, at around three in the morning, Warren wasn't in bed. I looked across the room and found him admiring himself in the mirror.

"'What are you doing,' I asked in a sleepy voice.'

"'Nothing,' he said, but he couldn't take his eyes off himself. He ran his hands through his hair, staring at his own reflection in the mirror, . I went back to sleep, in the morning, when I woke up, he was standing there again, playing with his hair, mussing it; trying to get it just right -- going for that just-been-fucked look. I guess he thought he was pretty too."

Helmut Newton approached her at a pool one time and asked her to "take off her clothes." To which she responded, "fuck you, you dirty old perv."

Calvin Klein -- pre-pitching woo to Latrell Spreewell -- fires her for taking Qualudes before a fashion show, saying, "you will never work with me again, Janice, you have my solemn promise on that."

Janice slept (if that is the right word) with Mick Jagger all night long: " The man was indefatigable ... He was pure energy -- kind of spooky., to tell you the truth. I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd been through a war."

Sylvester Stallone, who Janice has sex with, likes to refer to the act as "bam ham slam" thinking -- sadly -- that this is witty.

But our favorite was the story of Bill Cosby flying her out to Vegas with promises of making her a singing star only to be rebuffed at her hotel door. Apparently Cosby was so steamed he could have defrosted a pudding pop.
Half Nelson is the Best Film of the Year

(image via indiewire)

We won't go so far as to call "Half Nelson" the best film of the decade so far, as Kevin Smith did, but it is the best film of the year -- so far. That's why The Corsair was gladdened to hear that it topped Indiewire's bOx Office meter:

"Once again, Sundance buzz has propelled a new American movie to a great debut on the latest indieWIRE Box Office Tracking Report (iBOT) of independent/specialty films, as "Half Nelson" finished first. At the same time, two other films that were highly praised at this year's Sundance Film Festival - "Little Miss Sunshine" and "Quinceanera" - remained in the top ten based on last weekend's business.

"ThinkFilm's 'Half Nelson,' directed by Ryan Fleck and starring Ryan Gosling as an inner-city junior-high teacher with a drug problem, averaged $26,992 from its two Manhattan playdates at the Angelika Film Center and the Lincoln Plaza. The film benefited from extraordinary reviews that singled out Gosling's performance as Oscar-worthy.

"Substituting for the ailing Roger Ebert on the 'Ebert & Roeper' TV show, filmmaker Kevin Smith called it the best film of the decade so far. The film already had finished first in an informal indieWIRE critics' poll of best movies seen at this year's Sundance."

You must see this movie. It is brimming with awesomosity.
Picture Pages, Picture Pages ..

Interests include: Nazi desert uniforms, the British throne, and sugar-tits. (image via thesun via drudgie-poo)

Nicole Ritchie: Not only does she scare crows, but she does a number on pooches too. (image via aol)

When asked if Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams ever get "all brokeback" in the bedroom, they digitally offered up more information than we would care to acknowledge about their bedroom habits. (image via justjared)

Monday, August 14, 2006

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...

Paris and Jenna/ Sittin in a tree/ K-I-S-S/ STD (image via aolpeople)


Due to excessive "remodelling" this Fawcett can only swivel counterclockwise 15 degrees. (image via wireimage)

Alex Kuczynski: The Wizard of Gauze. (image via nysocialdiary)
Pete Doherty and Kate Moss Together Again


(image via thisilondon)

Pete Doherty -- a former "rent boy" -- is, we guess, harder to kick than the crackrock to Kate Moss, the most fashionable gal in the world, according to Vanity Fair. Guess we all got to get ourselves a manwhore crack addict now, eh? According to ThisisLondon:

"... The pair have been pictured together for the first time in months after openly kissing during the recording of a TV music show.

"And a flashy bauble on her wedding finger led to speculation that the pair might have become engaged, with rumours that Jade Jagger is throwing a party for them in Ibiza this week.

"Last night friends said the vintage diamond ring was a present from 27-year-old Doherty last week.

"They added that at rock star Bobby Gillespie's wedding two weeks ago, the model told them: 'It's going to be me next.'"
Is Kid Rock Kid Flop in Bed?

(image via newsoftheworld)

You know what they say about a trailer trash family tree being a circular wreath? (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) So true. Hep C postergirl Pam Anderson's quasi-legal marriage to the oft-incarcerated Kid Rock has hit a speedbump by the name of Jill Gulseth. According to the extremely downmarket newsoftheworld:

"STUNNING model Jill Gulseth was devastated when her boyfriend married former Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson last weekend.

"For bad-boy singer Kid Rock never even had the guts to tell his lover she was dumped.

"But jilted Jill says Pammie is in for an even a bigger letdown� because the rock star is a flop idol in bed. She doubts he'll measure up to Pam's previous hubby Tommy 'T-bone' Lee who put in a star performance in their famous honeymoon home video. For Kid is less of a T-bone and more a minute steak, according to the 22-year-old brunette."

The indigestible references to meat notwithstanding (Averted Gaze) they continue:

"'Jill, who only found out about the wedding when she saw Pammie and 45-year-old Kid on TV news, revealed they'd been together just days before he jetted to France and met up with his old flame Pam.

"'The last time I saw him we clung to each other as we kissed and said goodbye,' she said.

"'Little did I know it would be the last kiss we ever shared and just days later I'd turn on my television and find out that he was getting married.

"'I just hope that Pamela knows what she's getting. Everyone knows just how amazing Tommy is in bed. Well, Kid ain't. Kid Flop would be a better name for him."

After a sexual relationship, "(t)hey chatted on the phone for hours on end during the next couple of days.

"But then Kid's calls stopped and only a text message from him warned of the nightmare to come. It said simply: 'I'm so sorry it is my fault.' Tearful Jill said: 'A couple of days later I turned on the television and it said on the news that he was back with Pamela.

"'I was heartbroken, wondering how this man I had invested so much love and time with could be so cruel.'"

That's rock and roll, babe.

The full story (including why Kid Rock doesn't like to have sex in the shower) here.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Mike Wallace Interviews Abudinejad


(image via brainwavescience via cbsnews)

Oh, it's on; it's on like Gray Poupon! (The Corsair puts on a jazzy old Benny Goodman 78'' to get in the swingin, octagenerian mood) When last we checked in on the positively Methuselan Mike Wallace he had gotten all sassy to the po-po who was delaying him from messily consuming his usual repast of cold meatloaf and congealed bone gravy "fixins." : greasy Meatloaf. (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) Beef au jus notwithstanding (Averted Gaze), Wallace, over the years, has interviewed his share of authoritarian sociopaths. And now, according to Medialifemagazine:

"Most retirees like to spend their post-employment years relaxing and traveling. Recently retired '60 Minutes' correspondent Mike Wallace is traveling, all right, but he�s not relaxing. Wallace nabbed an exclusive interview with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, appearing on tonight�s 'CBS Evening News' and next Sunday�s edition of '60 Minutes.' Wallace is 88 years old."

But circumvent his unlawful desire to masticate that old recycled beef-meat and he's as just ornery and punchy as any randy 77 year old with an adult undergarment smelling of sadness ...
Appreciating David Patrick Columbia

One of the cool people we have met as a result of this blog is our favorite social chronicler, David Patrick Columbia. DPC, our Petronius, is a fascinating man -- hugely political, simultaneously cynical and idealistic, ferociously smart and, always, in the know. DPC has a lion's heart -- he is, in fact, a Leo -- and a wonderful sense of humor. In short, we rather like David Patrick Columbia so we are glad Choire Sicha wrote him up for the Transom. From the salmon-colored weekly:

"Last Thursday, David Patrick Columbia, 65 years old, went from Michael�s to Le Cirque to Swifty�s, and then on Friday, he was at Swifty�s again, for lunch. It was awful quiet in the restaurant, just a friend of Brooke Astor�s having lunch with a young woman, and then Robert Caravaggi, one of the owners, dressed in pincord, sat doing sums at a table. Everyone else was out of town, because they couldn�t take the heat. Mr. Columbia doesn�t even have air conditioning, once because he couldn�t afford it but now because it would take up too much of his window and block out the light.

"... On July 30, a Sunday, Mr. Columbia sat down in his sensibly hot apartment in front of his computer. He didn�t have a column for the next day yet, and so at 7 p.m. he started writing about the Astors. Six thousand words and not quite five hours later, he had written, from memory, without any reference, a pointed history of that family.

"...Sometimes people ask Mr. Columbia how he knows so much. He says: For chrissakes, it�s because I read sometimes! Does anyone read? Not in a world where the blogs describe any piece of writing of more than 1,500 words as 'long.'

The full article here.
Picture Pages, Picture Pages

Lucy Sykes Rellie's cocktails are raves with the swishy Manhattan set because her ingredients are fresh. (image via nysocialdiary)

Wigga, please. (image via thecobrasnake)


Because Game recognize Game .. (image via wireimage)

Matthew McConoughay's obnoxious beach workout tour, take 77.(image via wireimage)
Classic Corsair

The most visually striking film ever. If every child saw this movie, the world would be a better place. The Black Stallion:

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Classic Corsair

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ..

Matthew McConaughey likes to alternate his obnoxiously ostentatious oceanside excercise routine with ingesting -- on offdays -- the effective equivalent of the Chesapeake Bay in Beefeater gin. (image via wireimage)


Warning received: But we'll still take our chances ...(image via thecobrasnake)

Years of injecting Chimpanzee hormones have left Hulk Hogan with some mighty dodgy hallucinations (image via aolpeople)


"Say blood, my name is Len-nay, and if I ain't got it, then there ain't any!" (image via thecobrasnake)
Dear Gene Simmons

(image via smgfan)

Dear Gene Simmons:

No celebrity pimps their fans with as much savage dlight as you do. Your pimp hand is admittedly as strong as the dye that keeps your hair eternally jet-black (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). Your schemes -- and, really, that's what they are -- to part your base from their hard earned rent monies make one doubt the very foundations of Capitalism. To wit: ought one so terrifically stupid enough to buy a "KISS Kasket (TM)" have their purchasing power revoked forthwith?

We have come up with a few suggestions in order to speed up the process of the long, slow lifeforce-draining process between you and your fans:

1) KISS Cash. In which the fans give you hard. crisp dollars and you give them a "KISS dollar." an IOU -- if you will -- a treasury KISS note, in Gene We trust, Novus Ordo KISSulorum. Sucker.

2) KISS ATM CARD. The Fans --aka suckers -- give you thier ATM cards and PIN number and you give them the equivalent KISS CARD (PIN #: KISS)

3) Knights In the Servive of Simmons -- aka KISS. After you have drained them of all their monies and their sex, we recommend you launch the ultimate, cynical, soul-destroying initiative, namely: Liberate your fans from their remaining Dignity. Whatever still remains after the KISS Kasket, that is. Imagine yourself, sitting in a KISS throne, fanned by a giant peacock feather, holding a megaphone, shouting, "Stand up! Sit Down! Dance like a mokey!" as your broken fans strive to amuse you.

Just some suggestions that parallel the present trajectory of Gene Simmons, Inc.

The Corsair

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...


After poking, prodding and analyzing, specialists are still bewildered as to why Mariah Carey dresses like a 12-year old tart. (image via wireimage)

Lance Bass doesn't necessarily have to be thinking about breaking off a juicy slice of bohunk; he might be thinking about, say, the Lebanon Crisis, or the Connecticut Senate Primary. (image via aol)


Elliot Gould. tatstemaker-heartbreaker: 'Cause someday soon the ill-fitting toupee is coming back with a vengeance. (image via wireimage)
Corsair Classic

"Institutionalized" Suicidal Tendencies
Ladies and Gentlemen: Heere's Grace!


Incoming! (image via thisislondon)

Before there was the punchy Naomi Campbell, swinging her rhinstone-studded gizmo like the jawbone of an ass, there was the awesomely flat-topped Grace Jones, androgynous ass-kicker, no technology required. (The Corsair hoists a glass of Chateau D'yquem) We imagine that her endless engagement to The Viscount might have exacerbated an already, ehr, tense woman. It has. And some roving paparazzi that got too close caught a beatdown. As he should have.

Unfotunately, Grace Jones' meat-on-bone percussions interrupted that austere thespian Patrick Swayze (Averted Gaze). He's like the wind, you know. Folks, we couldn't make this shit up if we tried.

From thisislondon:

"Wearing a ski hat and a top made out of what appeared to be black clingfilm, Grace Jones produced a bravura performance to overshadow Patrick Swayze's opening night in the West End."


(image via amazon)

"The singer/actress was invited to the aftershow party in Soho and her act was pure Jones. One eyewitness described her look as that of a 'Smurf gone wrong'. Some suggested that next time the diva gets dressed she should take off the dark glasses first.

"Then she performed her trademark slap - the one that decked chat show host Russell Harty - not just once, but repeatedly. This time, the target of her affectionate punching was a young photographer.

"After hitting the paparazzo with her customary vim and vigour, she gave him a kiss and a cuddle.

Grace must be cruel to be kind ...

"Then she pulled out a middle finger and waved it around - no doubt testing wind direction and speed - before appearing to delve into her blouse and threatening to display her left breast.

"Jones was accompanied by Viscount Wimborne, to whom she has been engaged for two years. Aged 41, he is 17 years her junior and has earned the soubriquet "Edward Scissorhands" for his unkempt appearance."

And how, we ask, does one maintain the perfect coiff, when sustaining a constant battery of lethal blows about the brow? (Averted Gaze)
Does Tom Cruise Suck Cock? "Absolutely not"

What's happening, sailor? (image via kinoweb)

On last Thursday's Howard Stern Show, Cuba Gooding, Jr. came in to promote his new film and was quite forthcoming. For instance, from marksfriggin:

"Howard asked Cuba if there were any roles that he turned down any roles that he regrets. Cuba said he did turn down Steven Spielberg's 'Amistad'' and he probably passed up a great experience working with a director like that. He wasn't sure he wanted to do the whole slave thing though."

We can commisserate. The arduous method acting in the stifling heat. Fetching Steven Spielberg his mint julep just the way he likes it. But, all kidding aside, unlike slaves, Cuba would have been paid seven figures to act in a decent historic drama. Instead he followed up his Oscar-winning performance with the lamentable box office bomb "Instinct." We cannot fail to note that you cannot have instinct without "stinc". (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) More:

"Howard asked Cuba if Tom Cruise ever tried to get him into Scientology. He said he never tried to do that but his father came on the set one day and asked him straight up, are you gay, do you suck cock? Cuba said that was horrifying but Tom had some fun with it and just went along with it."

"... Howard thinks that Cuba hasn't done another movie with Tom Cruise because his father asked him if he sucked cock. Cuba said that Tom laughed and said ''absolutely not'' when he was asked about sucking cock. Howard also asked him if he would do a movie with Mel Gibson if he came to him tomorrow. Cuba said he would hang up the phone if he came to him with a job offer."

Cuba Gooding, Jr is Old School like that; he keeps it real. You know you, like Cuba, wondered if Tom sipped the big *D* Not that Mavrick would tell Cuba Gooding, Sr about the Beej. Cuba Gooding, Sr we cannot fail to note, was the lead singer of the classic soul group The Main Ingredient. Says Wikipedia, His group is most notable for their two biggest hits, "Everybody Plays the Fool" (1972) and "Just Don't Want to Be Lonely" (1974).

Monday, August 07, 2006

Warriors ... Come Out to Playyy-ayy

Although the Corsair spent much of the mid-to-late 1970s shuttling between Kips Bay and the United Nations School in embassy Town Cars, we admired the garrish, funky lines and gotham-gothic grafitti that festooned the urban-decayed landscape. We watched with awe from within our gilded "Diplo-bratic" cage. And nothing is more the fully-realized Fort Apachiness of New York City circa late-70s than The Warriors (with a sleeper performance by Deborah Van Valkenberg, of "Too Close for Comfort":

How Cool Is This?

P Diddy Unforgivable

Yawned, James Yawned. (image via hello!magazine)

Diddy's believing the manure his buddy Jamie Foxx has been spreading in which he is suave enough to play James Bond and, alas, Puff drank the kool aid. (Averted Gaze) And licked the cup! Just because one is not unfamiliar with firearm possession does not -- does not -- make one capable of being a superspy. (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) From Hello!Magazine:

"Life's clearly a beach for Diddy who has spent the last few weeks partying with celebrity pals in Saint Tropez. And the multimillionaire rapper's holiday just got better as he lensed an ad for his new fragrance with Leonardo DiCaprio's gorgeous girlfriend Bar Rafaeli."

And the fragrance is, to be sure, of overripe career.
Robin Williams' Worst day

(image via tv2)

We've always found Robin Williams' hyperkinetic Attention-Deficit Disordered bufoonery kind of louche. If he did what he does on the stage on, say, a New York City subway car, he would, in all likelihood, be rushed to Bellvue's hospitable Mental Ward forthwith. Forthwith! But when he goes "dark" he's kind of interesting, more concentrated as a personality at least. From Moviehole:

"Q: When was the hardest time for you in your career because most of us know about the really good times which are when we see you?

"(Robin) Williams: After 'Mork & Mindy' was cancelled. I didn't even find out about that in person. I read about it in 'Variety' and I was dressed at the time as a three foot frog doing 'The Frog Prince' with Eric Idle. It was just this kind of devastating thing of like, 'Well, the ride's over. That's it. Game's done.'"

Unfortunately for us (to wit: Death to Smoochy), the game wasn't.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...

Originally developed for hunting feathered game, Benico del Toro has proved himself a hale and hearty multi-functional canine. (image via aolpeople)


No word on whether or not Spam on saltines was served as an hors d'oevre at the reception. (image via aolpeople)


Definitions of gay on the Web: full of or showing high-spirited merriment(image via NYSocialDiary)


Rudy Giuliani can take comfort in knowing that on his worst day, his combovers were at least marginally better than this. (image via thecobrasnake)
Has The Ocean Jumped the Shark


Part of their post-coital narrative is that after being satisfied, Cameron shouts to Justin, abusively, "Now, go make me a Rob Roy, bitch. Mommy's thirsty!" (image via aolpeople)


--Xenophon, Anabasis.

Invariably a week cannot pass by without some celebrity couple smooching on a beach somewhere with the Sea undulating in the background. The celebrities -- hand in hand -- will deliver a scenery-chewing kiss, Oscar-worthy. And another celebrity weekly cover will have thus been launched, like Helen and the Thousand Ships.

Why is this thus? The implication of Depth? Timelessness?

Because nothing spells temporary more than two narcissitic actors preening for a pappareazi tipped off photo-op.

Which begs the question: After untold millenia of shrks jumping about the ocean have things reversed themselves: Has the Ocean jumped the shark?

Thursday, August 03, 2006

911 is a Joke

Consideing Flav's crack-indiced experiences with this emergency municipal service, we'll ... take his word for it. Enjoy:

Will Madonna be Excommunicated?


Frankly, we excommunicated Madonna from the Church of Mwangaguhunga when she started rapping about mocha lattes and Pilates. (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) Apparently, after 20-odd years of maneuvers calculated to rasp the bourgoisie (those who can't do, shock), she has finally shown up on the Vatican's radar.

One would think that an institution involving kneeling, incense, men singing ensemble and flashy robes and capes would be a little more Madonna-friendly, n'est-ce pas? According to Thisislondon:

"The Vatican accused Madonna of blasphemy and profanity today over her controversial stage act.

"Senior figures in Rome, where she is to appear in front of 75,000 fans on Sunday, called for her to be excommunicated.

"They launched a scathing attack over the star wearing a crown of thorns while hanging from a huge cross as she sings Live To Tell during her Confessions Tour.

"Cardinal Ersilio Tonino, speaking with the approval of Pope Benedict XVI, said: 'This time the limits have really been pushed too far.

"'This (concert) is a blasphemous challenge to the faith and a profanation of the cross. She should be excommunicated.'

"He added: 'To crucify herself during the concert in the city of Popes and martyrs is an act of open hostility. It is nothing short of a scandal and an attempt to generate publicity.

"'What is really offensive is the exaggeration of it all; it is clearly anti-Church, poor taste and most of all, an insult to Christ.'"

We still maintin that the Pilates rap was worse.
Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...


Ironically, Jenna Jameson's wax figure at Madame Tussaud's is more real than Jenna Jameson herself. (image via wireimage)


On his downtime from the X-Men, Wolverene likes to attend Sweeny Todd, go antiquing, collect Lalique crystal and anything involving Patti Labelle. (image via wireimage)


Angelina Jolie beat out Jennifer Anniston for the Marianne Perl biopic, is being produced by Brad Pitt's Plan B. If only we were making this shit up. (image via justjared)


Mickey Rourke and Hulk Hogan debate which is more fake, wrestling, or Rourke's cheekbones. (image via wireimage)